Parker Talbot STAFF WRITER

The Declaration of Independence may state that “all men are created equal” but the same equality cannot be said of friends. Although we hate to admit it, we categorize our friends as one categorizes their favorite foods, from the hearty and savory, to the tasteless and bland. Thus, here is a list of categories we all can and probably already have placed our friends into.

The ‘Hi-Bye’ Friend: This is the person that works as a greeting card. Apparently they were in your 9^th grade Geometry class, and you somehow still remember each other’s names; never becoming great friends, you simply repeat the same three words every time you see each other, “what’s up [name]?” Other than that and the occasional fist bump, you are complete strangers.

The Facebook Friend: This friend is the virtual version of the ‘Hi-Bye Friend.’ You have no idea who they are, only that they asked to be your friend on the social network. The only interaction between you two is the liking of status’s, and every once in a while you may send each other a Facebook ‘poke.’

The Math Class Life-Saver: It’s sad to admit, but we all at some point in time have had this type of ‘friend.’ We just happened to sit by the responsible and smart student whose homework is neatly completed atop their desk every morning. Using flattering words and desperate voices, we get the answers to that vile Algebra worksheet right before we have to hand it in. The only other friendly moment passed is perhaps at the yearbook signing.

The Chauffeur: Maybe they have greenbacks burning holes in their pockets, or maybe they have a smart-car, or perhaps they are just a push-over. Whatever the reason, this friend will give you a ride just about anywhere; to school, games -you name it. Despite the convenience, they could really use a better a taste in music though, as they blare the Backstreet Boys, revealing a dreadful throwback to the 90’s.

The Pretend Friend: You don’t know their likes, dislikes, or perhaps even their name. But when there’s that extra ten minutes of free time in English, you need someone to imitate a friend. So, you just hang around this person and their usual crowd, pretending like you’re in on their conversation.

The Imaginary Friend: If you have one of these…I’m sorry.

The Taken: She is so nice and fun and beautiful and all you can do is sigh heavily at the fact that you are just friends as she holds hands with her boyfriend. You’ve always had a thing for her, but now you reap the consequences of not making the move in time. All you can do is guiltily hope for the Facebook status that reads ‘single.’

The Intimidating: They are beloved by all; they’ve been asked to the upcoming dance five times, and seem to have the perfect balance of charisma and humility. This type of friend is deemed so cool, that they almost freak you out, and every time you are around them you sub-consciously try to impress them, hoping that by doing so you will raise the bar on your own charisma scale.

The Pitied: We have all sadly placed someone in this shallow category. This is the person that you feel so bad for, whether their aroma is putrid or their social skills down-right distasteful, that you feel obligated to be their friend (and it makes it quite hard to impress ‘The Intimidating’). You don’t want anybody to find out you have befriended them, trying to ignore them when that cute girl walks by.

The Just-Friends: It’s a strained friendship, but an admirable one. The relationship is over, but hopefully any awkwardness from the pain-inducing break-up will wear off.

The Just-Friends (but not really): This is the type of friendship where you’re ‘not really’ in a relationship. You would date other people, you just choose not to. You’re ‘technically’ not exclusive; you’re just as close to an item as you can get without being an item. But everybody knows that a few years from now, they will be receiving that wedding announcement in the mail.

The Tag-Along: In your mind, you’re thinking, ‘look, you’re a nice kid but… go away!’ But in all reality you are just nodding your head ‘yes’, as they follow you everywhere and tell you their monotonous tales of how they haven’t been able to find any weekend plans for the past three months.

The Trouble-Maker: Whether it’s illegal off-roading, fake I.D.’s, or streaking at a ballgame, you always get in trouble with this friend. You’re parents hate them, but their blatant disregard for boundaries, keeps you going back for entertainment.

The Best Friend: Last but not least is the best friend. You relate to each other better than with any other friend and you can always trust them. This is the friend you can talk about anything from math homework to your inner most thoughts and desires. While other friends may fall by the wayside after high school, this friend will remain a friend for many years to come.

The Bottom Line: Try to keep in touch with as many friends as you can through the years. But truth be told, you will lose some and you will gain some. Some will become best friends, while many will be degraded to mere ‘Facebook Friends.’ Just make sure to appreciate all of them while you can.